Category Archives: Tito’s Testimony

Titi’s Testimony: My Sister’s Miracle Baby

My sister got married in 2012. She was in her 30s when she got married so she wanted to have a baby immediately. My sister is naturally very nurturing so having her own child had been a big desire of her heart and when she finally found a partner who shared this same desire, it was a no brainer. By the end of 2013, there was no baby but that was okay because they were actually enjoying their honeymoon season as a married couple.

2014 came and still no pregnancy so they started to get concerned because they were definitely trying. At this point they decided it was time to speak to professionals in order to find out if there was a reason for the delay. The doctors did tests and came back with a series of reasons why they hadn’t been able to get pregnant. In addition to other reasons, my sister had some fibroids that were creating a hindrance to her ability to get pregnant and she was told she had to have them removed. She did this in 2015 and figured that after the operation having a baby won’t be an issue but it wasn’t the case.

The doctors did more tests and they gave more reasons why they couldn’t get pregnant and the conclusion was that they needed medical intervention to get pregnant and it won’t be possible without IVF. This was difficult news but also good news as many people we know had successfully had children through IVF and so it was a welcome solution even if not the ideal solution. It was also super expensive and they started to save towards it with help from other people. In 2017, they were finally ready to try IVF and so they did try at the end of the year. On Christmas eve of 2017, they found out that the IVF was not successful and that is how they celebrated the holiday season with heart ache and disappointment.

My sister decided she was done trying and was just going to leave the matter to God. She also decided to look into adoption because all that really mattered to her and her husband was to be parents and to love a child whether naturally or through adoption. So in January 2018, my sister started looking into adoption and she was genuinely excited about the prospects. So 2018 began with the decision to adopt and we started talking to other friends who had successfully adopted.

Then in March 2018, my sister called me with incredible news. SHE WAS 10 WEEKS PREGNANT. Oh my heart was so happy. The whole time she was looking into adoption, she was actually pregnant, without any kind of medical intervention. Contrary to every medical report, my darling sister was PREGNANT and that was an incredible testimony. We were so happy and looking forward to our yummy baby in October.

However, the devil being a liar and a thief that he is tried to steal our joy. My sister called me in April and said she had gone for what was meant to be a 3 months scan but when they checked, they could not find the baby and the sac looked empty. They said there was no baby and she had to have an operation to remove the pregnancy. This is called a D&C (Dilation & Cutterage) or an evacuation. My sister did more scans 2 weeks after and the result was the same, there was no baby in the sac and she needed to have the pregnancy removed as soon as possible. In fact my sister started to ask me about my experience with the same procedure and what she should expect. The whole situation was so painful. After 6 years of believing and trusting and faithing, the story was going to end with this disappointment and it was upsetting.

I remember my sister coming to visit me on a Friday, she was meant to go for the procedure that same day but she decided to stop by and pray. As we spoke, I told her I still believed she could have her baby and that she didn’t have to do the procedure. I was about 6 months pregnant with my second baby and even used that pregnancy as a point of contact for my sister. This must have been the Holy Spirit speaking through me because despite my faith, the situation really looked hopeless. We also called my brother (remind me to tell you about him one day) and he also said the same thing. He believed the baby was there and told her not to have the procedure. Despite having somewhat radical faith, I sometimes have a sense of rationality but this one was on the complete radical spectrum. I refused to believe that this was the end of the story and I told my sister as much. We all prayed and my sister decided she’ll wait until Monday before the procedure. We chatted on Sunday and she told me how she had woken up that morning filled with complete peace and she spent the whole day just praising and dancing. She refused to allow herself to wallow in sorrow and she actively found her joy.

A friend of hers called her that same day and suggested she tried yet another lab for a scan. My sister decided she had nothing to lose and went in for a scan on Monday for one last time before the procedure. She laid down and expected the same bad news about an empty sac so she was completely stunned when the radiologist started talking about the foetus and how many weeks old the baby was and all kinds of information she had not expected. My sister could barely speak as she called me while still in the lab looking at the screen. The radiologist was confused by her reaction and then she told him about the previous report. He was also surprised because he could see a baby in the womb, how could they have seen an empty sac before, not once but multiple times. How could they have told her to go and get the pregnancy removed with an evacuation when right there was a growing baby.

I know God is always turning situations around but the entire story of my sister’s daughter is the greatest testimony of 2018 for me. In October 2018, we welcomed our precious baby girl aptly named Precious. She is the most beautiful baby girl and she is such a blessing. Every time I look at her I am in complete awe of God’s Grace and I always say: “But they said the sac was empty, this is a real life baby”.

Imagine if my sister had believed the very first report and not delayed and tried other scans. Our daughter won’t be here, and we would have not been able to share this testimony. What if my sister had allowed the negative report to steal her joy and trust in God? What if she became bitter and just chose to live by sight and not by faith. I truly believe the state of our mind can also cloud our ability to see where God is working. She chose joy and in the midst of that she could choose to try one last scan instead of going to get the d&c in anger! Sometimes anger is the hindrance to our testimony. I am always learning that it is so key to stay joyful no matter what we see.

I truly pray that no matter what you are going through, that you won’t lose your trust and faith in an amazing God who loves you as a father would. I pray you will choose to turn to him despite what life throws at you. I pray you will stay strong in the midst of the storm because Jesus Christ is in your boat and he can silent every storm. I pray my sister’s story is a blessing to you and the boost your faith needs. Please share your story with us and be a light to someone else. Leave your comments and thoughts and questions.

 

Light and love

 

Tito.

The journey to the testimony

Tito’s Testimony: The Journey to the Testimony

I knew I had to share this story. God has been too good to me and for me, my life is all about sharing his goodness with everyone I can. My son is 3 months and today feels like the perfect day to share this very long story. I hope someone finds hope. I hope you will be inspired to seek God in new ways and on a deeper level. Thank you for all your kind words and prayers, I am eternally grateful.

On Sep 7th 2015, I had a miscarriage. I was 10 weeks pregnant.  Ironically, this happened on the day I got baptised. It was during church service and I spent a significant amount of the service in the bathroom; Bleeding.  I still went ahead with my baptism because it became so clear to me that I needed that baptism. I needed the cleansing. I needed to be refreshed and to start anew and as I stepped in that pool of water, I felt God so strongly. I knew I was walking into a new beginning and everything prior was being washed away. I still don’t know how that water did not turn red considering how heavily I had been bleeding a few minutes before but I had no doubt that something changed with that baptism.

This is probably not what you expected to read. After all, I am the same person who shared my testimony after the loss of my daughter read here:

I am sure like me, you expected the next part of my  story to have been more straightforward. Especially now that you probably know I gave birth to my precious son in July 2016, a year after I shared my testimony.  However, please do not think God did not know what I was going to experience because he did and he prepared me to stand and I did. Praise and thanksgiving never ceased from my lips because I made a decision that no matter what happened in my life, I would praise God. I didn’t have the answers and I was not going to spend energy, trying to figure it out but I knew God had the answers and so I left that burden to him and gave him his due as God. I was not going to try to do what only he can do. And he showed himself to truly be Yahweh because in October 2015, I got pregnant again and in July 2016, a year after I shared my first testimony, I shared another testimony because he blessed us with a beautiful son.

When I found out I was pregnant again, I was in awe at how quickly God showed up because I truly never expected it. I thought it’ll take some time and that was fine with me. I wasn’t in any particular rush to get pregnant again but God does things in ways I can’t even imagine and he decided it was time. Who am I to argue? I was so ecstatic. I was at a point in my life where I was waking up at 3am every morning, spending time with God and growing in relationship with the Holy Spirit and everything about my pregnancy was spirit-led (it sounds like cliché christianese but it really is the truth).  I didn’t even have to do a pregnancy test to know I was pregnant. It was a dream I had that told me I was. In my dream, I was about to take a glass of alcohol and someone tapped me on my hand and said: “drop that glass, don’t you know you are pregnant?” and I just knew I was. I told my husband and that was that. I didn’t even bother with a pregnancy test because my spirit was so connected with the spirit of God that I knew when he spoke. This was in October and I eventually did a pregnancy test in December (just because I wanted the physical confirmation). I also didn’t want to do a test earlier because I just didn’t want to be too human about things. I knew once I did the test, I would start fussing, trying to control things as I had done in previous times and this time I couldn’t be bothered. I remember writing in my journal and telling God that I was leaving this child in his hands because he is God and he is the only one who can truly keep the child.

I found out I was pregnant in October but I didn’t go to a hospital until January. The first 3 months of a pregnancy are often the most delicate and it is after 3 months that you can usually be sure that your baby is going to make it. I decided to give my first 3 months completely to Dr God because quite frankly, I couldn’t think of a better Doctor. I continued to wake up at 3am to pray and was always at work by 5am to begin my shift at the radio station. Apart from a cold a few times, I didn’t experience one bit of morning sickness. In fact, I continued to work out with a trainer after work until I had to stop.

I didn’t go to a doctor until January and once again, I chose a doctor based on the leading of the Holy Spirit because in previous experiences, I chose based on where people recommended not where God told me to go and I was doing things differently this time around. So I wrote a prayer request asking God which hospital I was to go to and he dropped St Raphael’s in my spirit. I immediately recognised the name of the hospital as my Uncle’s hospital (his wife is my mum’s blood sister, same father, same mother). I thought it was random because I hadn’t been to that hospital since I was a child and being the badly behaved child that I am, I hadn’t even spoken to my uncle since 2014. These are all sentiments I expressed to my husband as I told him what God laid in my heart. I remember saying to him that I didn’t know how I was even going to reconnect with this uncle and anyway, if God wanted me to really go there, he would create the avenue. And God being God, he created the avenue because a couple of days later, my uncle’s son (my cousin) who also happens to be a doctor sent me a message on Facebook. He and his wife wanted to attend an event I was a part of and wanted tickets. It seemed like a coincidence but I had learnt at this point that answered prayers come as perfect coincidences. He had no idea I needed the opportunity to reconnect and the last time we exchanged messages or spoke was also in 2014. However, God heard my little prayer and used him to create an avenue to reconnect. This is how I knew which hospital to go to.

At my first visit to the hospital, my doctor immediately put me on bed rest (not because anything was wrong but because he termed my baby: a special baby). Also this man was a father figure to me as a child and I guess he didn’t want to take any chances. He was extra careful with me and with each visit I could see why God directed me to that hospital. I had the best doctors and I had complete peace. We were also on the same wave length spiritually as he insisted we kept the pregnancy as quiet as possible which is something the Holy Spirit had told me too, so once again, I understood why God directed me to this hospital. Through various avenues, God had been telling me to hide and had literally stopped me from going to certain places. He had also directed me to the story or Elizabeth and Mary and I noticed how Mary stayed with Elizabeth for at least 3 months of her pregnancy and Elizabeth hid herself for 5 months and as I read it, I once again felt a strong prompting to hide and that is what I did during this pregnancy. I didn’t share with people I normally would have shared with and for a very very long time, it was between my husband and me until a few people figured it out but even then I stayed in hiding barely going anywhere. With every appointment, my doctor emphasized the need to keep my pregnancy quiet and I obeyed him. This was probably the most difficult part of being pregnant for 9 months but once again, I had chosen to be completely obedient to the spirit of God and I did what I was led to do.

As the pregnancy progressed, I had decided I was going to travel to the states to have my baby and also just to “hide” myself. However, that didn’t happen because once again I felt I was to have the baby here. Every time I was to buy my ticket or plan logistics, something came up and in my sensitivity to my spirit, I kept feeling I wasn’t meant to travel. I had been reading the story of Saul and something God pointed out to me was that obedience was better than sacrifice. God had already told me which hospital to go to from the beginning, so why was I looking for yet another hospital in the states. Fortunately, my husband is also very spiritual and when I told him about my lack of desire to travel, he actually expressed that he had also been getting the same prompting, we prayed about it and we just had a peace with the decision not to travel. This was also very tough because I remember someone saying to me that God can’t tell anyone to stay and have his or her child in Nigeria. I found that funny on so many levels because my daughter passed away in the states and if anyone understood that it was not a function of where you give birth but the grace of God, it was me. I made the decision I felt comfortable with in my spirit and even though I was also not sure why, it made sense later.

As we deliberated where to have the baby, we also asked God for the name of our child. We knew it was a boy and we had been trying to decide on a name. Not to sound like a broken record but we decided to pray about it and let the Holy Spirit lead and God being so faithful he did something amazing. You might call in a coincidence but I know that isn’t the case. On a specific day my husband and I prayed and asked God for the name of our son, the name Joshua immediately dropped in my spirit along with Jeremiah 29:11. I was confused and mixed up the verses so I checked Joshua 29:11 instead and of course no such verse existed. I then realized that God was sending the verse Jeremiah 29:11 to confirm the name Joshua because he was essentially saying he knows the plans he has for us and that included our son. I was still musing about this and I remember praying to God to confirm the name with my husband.

One random afternoon, my husband and I were having a conversation and I felt the baby kicking so I just said: “why don’t we call him Joshua?”  My husband gave me one of the weirdest and funniest looks ever and I immediately wanted to back track because I wanted God to give both of us a name we would agree on. So when I saw his expression, I thought maybe it wasn’t the name. He then asked me why I chose that name and I explained that the name was dropped in my spirit. He then proceeded to explain the reason for his funny expression. Apparently the name Joshua had been on his mind for 2 weeks already and every time he wanted to refer to the baby by name, that was the name he wanted to call him. So the fact that I suggested that same name blew him away and he was amazed at the way God answers every single prayer. He kept saying: “God really answers all prayers”. I think that was one of the most powerful ways we saw God work because a seemingly ordinary prayer, God answered for us.  The name Joshua means: Jehovah is my Saviour, Jehovah Delivers or Jehovah is Generous. For us, we have seen God show himself in this name and in our son’s life. The generosity of God hasn’t stopped flowing to him.  God continues to be a deliverer and it’s a real privilege to watch God work. God has done abundantly more than we could have hoped for or imagined. He has given us beauty for ashes, turned our sorrow to joy and has given us dancing for mourning just as he promised to.

On the 5th of July 2016, at about 12pm in the afternoon, I gave birth to our beautiful son: Joshua and that experience was truly God covered.  God gave me what he promised but not as I imagined it. I learnt then that we can’t box God in a corner and just expect him to do what we imagine, he is God alone and he alone knows the best plan. I didn’t expect to have my son by caesarean section. I worried about the recovery time, scarring and other factors so I kept praying for a quick, natural, painless delivery. A specific verse I held on to was in Isaiah 66: 7-9:

Before she went into labor, she had the baby. Before the birth pangs hit, she delivered a son. Has anyone ever heard of such a thing? Has anyone seen anything like this? A country born in a day? A nation born in a flash? But Zion was barely in labor when she had her babies! Do I open the womb and not deliver the baby? Do I, the One who delivers babies, shut the womb?

I knew I was going to have a quick and painless delivery but not in the way it happened and once again I saw God show up.

On Monday the 4th of July, I started to have contractions. They were completely painless, although I felt pressure. I even wondered if they were Braxton hicks simply due to lack of pain but because they were quite intense and lasted for so long, I knew they were contractions. I also knew I wasn’t going to be in any pain so I had to focus on the pressure instead and judging by that, I knew it was time to go to the hospital. Just as I was about to leave for the hospital, I started to leak so my water had broken. As soon as I got to the hospital, my uncle (doctor) started watching me. He was concerned that my water was leaking because it meant my baby was now connected to the world. And once that happens, the chances of the baby having an infection are higher. I learnt that is one of the main causes of jaundice with newborn babies and my uncle was not going to let that happen to my child.

He wanted us to have the caesarean section as soon as possible but I kept saying to him that I wanted natural delivery. Also I wasn’t in pain and I remember the nurses saying my labour wasn’t far along yet otherwise, I would be screaming in pain. I told them, I wasn’t going to have pain so they shouldn’t wait for me to start shouting. In fact I made sure I put on lipstick before going to the hospital because I wanted the experience to be memorable. Lol. My Doctor decided to observe me for a while and see how my labour progressed. I was expecting that by the time they checked my dilation, I would be at least 4cm dilated but I was barely 1cm gone. It was hilarious because I had been feeling intense pressure for a while. This process started around4pm in the afternoon and by 4am the next morning, I was barely 3cm dilated. At this point it was becoming quite apparent that I would have to have a CS but I wasn’t feeling it. This was the time I knew why God sent me to this hospital and to my uncle and cousin. There is a way your family can speak to you that strangers can’t and when the person is your uncle, there is no way you can say no.
My uncle told me I should have the CS because the membrane protecting my baby was compromised and we didn’t want to risk him having an infection. At this point, he was still speaking as my doctor but when I kept insisting on natural birth he switched to Uncle mode. I remember him saying: “Bolatito, don’t allow the devil to have a chance.” It was at that point, I gave myself sense, because it didn’t even matter if the baby was born naturally or through a caesarean section, the most important thing was to have a healthy baby. So after asking a few questions about the procedure because I had been ignorant before, I agreed to the CS. I should state that at this point, my labour had stopped progressing completely and I wasn’t feeling anything at all. As soon as I agreed to the CS, I felt at peace.

Everything happened so quickly after. I went into the theatre and was put under anaesthesia but was completely awake for the whole thing. Within 5 minutes of being cut, I heard my baby crying. It was THAT QUICK. I couldn’t believe it. My Uncle and cousin were in the theatre although a consultant did the operation. As soon as my baby was born, my uncle brought him to my face for me to see and took a selfie of us. It was the most awesome experience. I was still being operated on but I felt such joy. With my daughter, I never heard her cry so hearing my son cry was one of the most amazing sounds EVER. I was so happy. They took him away to be cleaned as they continued to operate on me. Apparently there was a degenerated fibroid that was the reason for my labour not progressing and even if we had waited more hours, my labour might not have progressed and my baby could have gone into distress and also been infected. I started to see clearly that God directed me to my uncle because unlike a stranger who had no choice but to respect my wishes for my labour to progress, he could speak to me as my uncle and I strongly believed that saved us.

It also made my delivery special in many ways because I had family around and I didn’t realise how much I needed that until I did. God truly knows what is best for us and he gives us what we need. If I had travelled, I would have been alone and miserable in the months leading up to delivery and after especially because of my previous experience. Staying at home to have my child made my pregnancy an amazing one because I was surrounded by so much love and kindness and I couldn’t have imagined a better experience. I had such peace and joy and I was just in awe of God.

Also God didn’t fail in his promise. I literally was delivered of a son before my labour pangs began just as he promised. I never had any labour pain. Also, the delivery was very quick. I was in and out of surgery is less than 30 minutes. I had said I didn’t want CS because of pain and recovery time but by the next day, I was walking and climbing stairs with very very minimal pain. I remember someone who came to visit me at the hospital telling me she couldn’t believe I had done surgery because I was so active and so chatty. To be honest I didn’t even know what a big deal this was until a few other people said the same thing. I later realised this in itself was a testimony. My doctors kept saying my recovery was the quickest they had ever seen. The pastor who conducted our naming ceremony also told me it was a complete testimony because I was serving people and walking around at the naming in my home. He said to me, with most women, the naming took place in the hospital due to the surgery and told me to praise God. Once again, God gave me exactly what he promised because he took away the pain from me.

God showed me such mercy and I cannot praise him enough. The process after delivery has been a blessing. It has been a learning experience and I have had my fair share of challenges but God has always come through for my husband and I. He has given supernatural strength and has shown me I am capable of so much more than I ever imagined. My husband has also been a real superstar. He has been my biggest support system, an amazing husband and even more awesome Father. God chose him specifically for me and I couldn’t have married someone else.  He has shown that ours is a true partnership and has made this experience easier on me as a woman and as a mother and I thank God for him.

My Son is 3 months today and I just want to praise God and give him a big shout out for being so so good to us. Watching him grow up daily is such a joy, he already has an interesting personality with the most beautiful smile that melts my heart. Of course when he cries, he puts his all into it and sometimes I just smile because I am realizing that even that is a gift some people are praying for. I have been wanting to share this for a while and I am glad I am able to today. There is so much I couldn’t even put into words and I will share as the Holy Spirit leads. To everyone who has supported us in one way or the other, may God bless you abundantly. To those who are still praying, trusting and believing God, please don’t give up. More importantly, begin to seek God for him, build a personal, loving and obedient relationship with the Holy Spirit. Find reasons to praise God through the disappointments and the waiting. Don’t let pain pull you away from God’s love, he is the best comforter, let him heal your heart.

I knew it was important that I shared this because while we are all celebrating the end of the story, it is important to know it was a journey. It is important to know that there was yet another test on the way to the testimony. It is important to know that through praise and thanksgiving, God unlocks doors and accelerates situations that look impossible. Through my tears, I learnt to praise God and he showed himself to be a Father whose love for me and my family is unfailing. I hope you will see that too in your lives. God bless you. 

My Lighthouse the test becomes the testimony

THE TEST BECOMES THE TESTIMONY

It is so odd, writing about the loss of a child, you fear that the words can never fully express the pain and the gravity of the situation. But I don’t mean to just express my pain and loss. I mean to show God’s power and love even in the darkest days.

I come from a culture of silence, where speaking about certain issues is almost taboo. One of the most kept secrets is when a woman loses a child, no one talks about it and it is almost like it never happened. People only speak about it when the woman has another child or they find out that you have lost a child. I fall in the category of the latter. I gave birth to my beautiful daughter  on the 2nd of March 2015 and she passed away on the 3rd of March 2015 after 42 weeks pregnancy.

I remember my experience and every time, I marvel at the power of God to give unimaginable peace. I found out on the 22nd of January 2015 that my daughter had a condition called congenital diaphragmatic hernia; an extremely rare condition in which the diaphragm does not fully develop and has a hole. The diaphragm is the organ that separates the chest cavity from the abdomen. When it has a hole, it leaves space for the organs in the abdomen including the stomach, liver and kidneys to go into the chest cavity. This means they take up space meant for the organs in the chest cavity and barely leave room for them to grow.

In my daughter’s case, her heart ended up being pushed to the right and her lungs barely developed. In fact she only had one lung and that was almost undeveloped. The summary of this, they told me, is that once she was born, she won’t be able to breathe on her own due to lack of lungs and the positioning of the heart.  The ironic part is the fact that as they spoke I could feel her kicking and turning. This made it very difficult for me to understand what they were saying and they emphasised to me that I was keeping her alive through my placenta. They emphasized that once she was brought into the world, she had less than a 15% chance of survival only achievable with intense medical intervention. She was also a very small baby and so there was a limit to how much her body would be able to take even with intervention.

They literally told me she was going to die.

Now as a Christian, I only knew one thing. I had FAITH. My Faith was that God would perform a miracle that’ll shock them. They only knew medicine but they didn’t know my God. Jesus woke Lazarus up from death after 3 days in the grave. Jesus Christ said that faith of a mustard seed could move mountains and I TRULY believe that. My faith was completely childlike and I prayed every day that God would perform a miracle for me. I asked God to shame the forces of evil that wanted to hurt my daughter and take her away. I called on my Church family and my husband and I told those closest to us to join us in prayer and I documented the process with videos so I could share my testimony with the world.  And my baby girl was so active, she would kick and turn when I prayed and took communion. She strengthened my faith.

When my daughter was born, after 14 hours in labour, I saw her try hard to take breaths but she couldn’t. I saw how beautiful she was in a few quick seconds before they had to take her to NICU to try to save her life. She was so small but so incredibly beautiful with SO MUCH HAIR!!! For some reason I cannot forget her beautiful head of hair. I truly believed when they took her away, they will come back to me with an apology for doubting my faith and they will realise she was completely healthy. I kept waiting for them to come and give me the update and they eventually did. But contrary to my expectations, they came to tell me just how serious the situation was and how bad it looked. They had tried everything but it all seemed to have no effect. They were just going to monitor her for the next few days and see if she improved. I knew when they said this that she was definitely going to improve. I am a believer in the word of God that says where there is life there is hope, so my hope did not wane for a second.

Even when the doctor came to call me that her case had deteriorated and I should come and spend some time with her, I thought it was because God needed me to be present for the miracle (lol…like God needs anyone’s help). So I was very excited to go and be with my baby girl. I will never forget entering the NICU room and seeing all the babies in their incubators and then I saw my baby girl with all types of wires on her while the Doctors were pressing her chest because her heart had stopped. She was so small and they could only use a few fingers to administer CPR and even then I knew she was going to be just fine. God waited 3 days to bring Lazarus back to life so my baby was definitely going to be fine.

I asked if I could carry her and they said yes. I put her close to my chest, and put my breast on her mouth and tried to make her suck but she just couldn’t because she didn’t have the strength, so I just held her close and talked to her and sang to her. I told her how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be her mum and how much I wanted to take her home with me. I begged God to please save my baby’s life.  I told her to shame the Doctors and Nurses that told me she won’t make it through the night. My husband took pictures of us and I still look at those sometimes. He also took pictures with her and held her close and just enjoyed having his daughter in his arms and I took pictures of them. I saw him become a Dad in the way he carried her and instructed me on carrying her and that was beautiful and comforting because I knew he was a wonderful father.  As we spent time with her, the doctor and nurses kept coming to check her pulse and every time it seemed it was harder to find a pulse but that didn’t deter my faith.

Then I got really tired all of a sudden and I could barely keep my eyes open. My husband was holding our daughter and somehow I drifted to sleep. I have no idea how many minutes I had been asleep for but it felt quite long but also quite short. I can’t explain it but I knew it was God who put me to sleep to avoid seeing the actual moment she passed away. When I woke up, my husband was still holding her but I immediately knew that my baby girl had gone home to heaven to be with her ultimate father and creator. I asked my husband and he told me she was completely cold and stiff in his hands and I was okay with it. I still cannot explain how I did not run mad and how my heart was so calm. I just accepted it or maybe it was because a part of me still knew God could turn the situation around. We eventually called the Doctor and told her our baby girl was gone and she took her from my husband’s arms. We quietly went back to our room in complete silence; there was just nothing to say.

Even as the Chaplain came in to the room to comfort us with pictures of her and birth certificate and little mementos from the hospital, I was still just numb. I told him I felt ashamed that I lost the battle despite my faith. He reminded me that in this world we fight many battles but we are in a war and it is ultimately about winning the war.  I also remember our dear friend Erina Raji came to see us a few hours later, I just wanted to sing and praise God! I wanted to so badly sing that I was humming the words to ‘My God is Awesome’ by Charles Jenkins and Erina goes ‘Tito wants to sing’ and I just sang.

This is the point I saw my test become my testimony. This is when I realised I had reached a new level of faith. A point where like Job I could say ‘Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.’ I NEVER in a million years thought I would be able to praise God when my daughter had just passed away and this is why I call this experience a testimony. God put peace in my heart and song on my lips. I knew even in the blur of my pain that ‘everything would work for my good’.  I was also able to say that ‘God loves her more than I could ever have loved her’ and I knew it hurt him more than it hurt me to see me in so much pain because as my Father he always wants to give me everything I ask him for. I immediately knew that the fact that our daughter was taken away must eventually be part of God’s purpose for our lives in someway. After all I knew that God is the Alpha and the Omega and he knows the end from the beginning and his plans for me are always good.

This might all sound contradictory to someone who is not acquainted with my God and I might have agreed if I was an outsider. However, my relationship with God had gotten to the point that I realised that although it was the enemy that caused us the pain, God could have stopped it but he chose not to. I realised that with the way we called out to him within the 6 weeks period leading to her birth, God could have definitely changed things but he didn’t because he had a different plan. I remembered Jesus Christ before He was crucified was in so much anxiety as He prayed that blood dripped out as sweat and He asked His Father to take the cup away from Him but He ultimately said the words ‘let your will be done’. And I remember saying to people that even though the enemy thought he had won, he was going to regret it because God is the one who restores and when He does He would bring more blessings just as with Job. I just wondered HOW????

I realised that my love for GOD is supreme and being his daughter was the most important reason for my life. As Christians, we pray all the time ‘let your will be done’ and assume there will be no pain. I wonder if many of us will still praise God when we experience pain. Would we still proclaim his love for us or would we give up on him? I realised that I had grown so much that this storm did not distract me from the still small voice of my God which says ‘be still and know that I am God’. Beyond all of this, I am able to thank God for everything he has done for me through my experience.

My relationship with my husband is on a new level of closeness that I did not think was possible. Our love for each other has grown deeper and this also translates to our love for God. My husband is such an incredible support system that I know for a fact God brought the two of us together for a reason. He had a small settee to sit on when we were at the hospital but he was just so focused on me that his discomfort was almost non-existent. We prayed together so much and his faith strengthened mine and I will always praise God for blessing me with a man after His heart that I can share my faith with.  I should also apologise that this experience seems like it only happened to me but we both went through this emotional roller coaster and reached the conclusion that God remains God.

The reason I am sharing this is not because I want a pity party but because I want to share God’s love even in the midst of pain. I want to share His love NOW. A lot of times when we go through difficult moments as Christians, we seem to forget all about God and we just wait until times get good again before sharing our testimonies. We almost forget that it is God that holds us up when we could have broken down. It is God that sustains us and gives us the ability to move forward. I love the quote that says ‘until the doors of blessings open, praise God in the hallway”. A lot of people have marvelled at my husband and I’s ability to move forward so fluidly and so strongly but we are always quick to give God the Praise. My best friends kept asking me the question ‘are you sleeping now’ a few days after and I always laughed because sleep was not a problem.

God told me he expects me to share this with the world and not wait until the next baby dedication. He wants you to know that he remains God even when you are hurting and he is the balm of Gilead. I acknowledge that this was not just by my strength, God sent us so many helpers and they truly built me up during the times when I got so low that I didn’t even know how to pray or read my bible. God really would not give you a challenge you cannot handle. I have complete confidence and peace in my heart and know that greater things are coming, but right now I just want to let the world know that God is ALWAYS good even while you wait. Praise him always!