I struggled a lot with who I was. I was always trying to find myself. Always trying to figure out where I fit in and where I belonged. My life had been subject to people telling me who I was or was not. I was trying to just be accepted and loved by others.
I never saw myself through the eyes of God. I didn’t know that the only one I needed to belong to was God. I didn’t know that all the validation I sought from people could be found in Jesus.
I always wonder if knowing the truth earlier could have saved me from some very difficult experiences. If I truly knew my worth, could certain mistakes have been avoided? I have spent and wasted a lot of time in the chair of regret. I have sat down and looked back at my life and tried so many times to erase my past. I have taken better decisions in hindsight. I lived in the past for so long and it almost completely choked my future. My future was not so bright as I based it on my past. My past directed everything.
My relationship with God took the worst hit. I was always sure that he disapproved of the person I was. I realised that it also meant that my prayer life was greatly affected because I was always “wondering”. I wondered if I had the right to ask for certain things in prayer. I wondered if I could be sad if God didn’t answer my prayers. I wondered if God even heard me at all. I wondered if God found me worthy to be used for his purpose.
I was so sure that I was not the type of person God would want to use for ANYTHING. I was even accepting this fact and I was just content to know I was not going to go to hell. I dared not expect God to find me useful for his purpose. There are so many people that are better than I am, who didn’t make the mistakes that I did, who fast and pray more than me, they spend way more time “serving” God than me, so who was I to think God could think of me as more than I thought of myself. A broken girl, with so much baggage who was just fortunate to enjoy the grace of God that Christ paid for. For a very long time, that was enough for me. I dared not ask for more.
Then God started to speak to me. He started to tell me the great heights he wanted to take me to. When I refused to hear him because it was too good to be true, he started to send people to me to tell me the same things and once again I never let my heart be open to accepting this gift of a second chance. This gift to me was so much more than I had accepted about myself. I started to believe it was all a figment of my imagination. I started to think the people who brought this good news were just trying to make me feel good about myself. Then one day God caught my attention.
He started to tell me that I was looking at him with “small eye”. I was limiting his power in my life. I didn’t realise his power and ability to use the messiest and most broken human to create a beautiful message. I didn’t realise that the blood of Jesus meant that every mess that I thought I was had been completely washed clean. The mess that I thought I was no longer existed and through that mess he wanted to share his light. He reminded me of his word that says: “God is able to make all things work together for good” and that included the mess that my life had been. I wasn’t seeing God but I was seeing me. I also had forgotten that he created me in his image so that my so – called “ugliness” he saw as perfect and beautiful. He was not judging me as I thought I deserved because in his eyes, the blood of Jesus had made me faultless and blameless. Not because of anything I had done but because his righteousness was a complete gift. Nothing I did or will ever do could have made me deserving of his Grace.
The more he spoke to me the more I understood that I will never be able to give back to God all that he has given to me. I had wrongly assumed that somehow my works could make me worthy of his love and the life he blessed me with. Every time I did the wrong thing I immediately fell under the burden of guilt, condemnation and shame. I thought that my “works” could somehow erase my past. I was always trying to prove to God that I deserved his blessings because I thought that was what could guarantee my freedom. Instead the works held me under more bondage because no matter how hard I tried I was constantly “failing”. I could never seem to get it right. I was always doing something wrong and I became judge and master of my own life. There was no space for what the blood of Jesus had done and instead of pleading the blood, I pleaded my “works”. “Dear God, I know I used to mess up, but look at me now, I am doing everything right. Why isn’t my life still perfect? Why are you still angry with me? What else can I do?” I didn’t know that the more I said this, the less I was free because my freedom was not about my works but by the “truth”. ‘And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free”.
This is the simple truth: God knew well in advance that I could not keep up my end of the bargain. He knew in advance that I would make many wrong and bad decisions. He knew in advance that I would run from him in guilt and shame. He knew in advance I would consider myself unworthy and try to work my way to earn his grace. And because he knew all this in advance he sent his word. And his word was Christ. The lamb upon the throne. The blood of the lamb is what was shed in advance for me. So that when I needed to, I could plead the blood and that gives me the confidence to approach the throne of God’s beautiful and mighty grace.
I have finally come to realise who I am. I am the daughter of the MOST HIGH GOD. My Father is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He created the heavens and the earth and all that is in it and he gave me dominion over it all. I am of a heavenly realm. I reign on this earth. I share an inheritance with Christ. I have finally come to accept that I was made for greatness, for signs and wonders. My Light is meant to shine and not be hidden. I have the power to decree a thing and it WILL established. I have finally accepted who I always was. I am…..