Starting Over

I wrote this about a month ago. I realised I needed a break to refresh spiritually and mentally. Sometimes you have to step back to get some clarity.  I am sorry for the silence but I do feel refreshed after Spending time in prayer and fellowship and I really needed it.  If you are feeling like you are in a rut, maybe its time to press reset. Take a break from social media, spend time you’ll normally use on Instagram with God and his word. Reprioritise what matters. You’ll be amazed. It’s a new month, its the perfect time to start over.

In 2015, I had an experience that changed my life forever. After 42 weeks being pregnant, I gave birth to my daughter Apphiah who died within a few hours in this world. The experience was devastating but through it I became free to express to the world my love for the God who pulled me through. I became a golden girl, everyone wanted to interview me, talk to me, hear me speak and minister. I was soaring and on fire for JESUS CHRIST.

Then in 2016, I gave birth to a completely healthy and perfect baby and I was so happy. I put in all my energy to this special baby. I spent all my waking and sleeping hours with this baby on my mind, Before I knew it, I was too tired to pray, too tired to study the bible, too tired to go to church, too tired to fellowship with others. It was such a gradual decline, I didn’t realise how bad until I had a new challenge and I didn’t even know how to pray. I got too distracted.

How often has that happened to you? One minute your life is filled with Christ and then you get an amazing blessing and Christ stops being your focus. You sacrifice a relationship with the giver of the gift to focus on the gift itself and before you know it, you end up in an abyss. You feel lost, depressed, unhappy and like a failure. These were my emotions anyway. As my relationship with God fizzled out, I got sooo lost, I didn’t know who I was anymore or whose I was. I felt like a zombie.

The reason why your life might seem empty at the moment is because you have let the gift distract you from the giver of the gift. We are so focused on waiting for God to give us that ONE THING that we don’t take time to pay attention to God himself. Our relationship is so surface, we are just in it for what we can get, we pretend to be interested in the giver of the gift but truth is that as soon as we get what we are looking for, we might or might not say thank you and that’s the end of the relationship. Well, until we need something else. And we start the dance all over again.

The irony is that instead of going through this same process over and over again, we can learn as said in psalm 34:10 that those who trust in the Lord will lack no good thing. Imagine if we really chose to “seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness”, won’t it be amazing to see that “all other things will be added unto us?” Matthew 6;33

What is sooo important that it has made us to lose focus on what is most important? For me, it was my son. I was trying to be the perfect mum. I needed to make sure I was doing a good job of taking care of this beautiful gift from God but I was sooooo tired and empty.  Instead of feeling like a super hero mum, I started to feel like a real failure. I started to wonder why I felt like I was losing when I was supposed to be celebrating my biggest win.  Then one day I realised it was because I had lost sight of what matters most which is living your life to please God. Making sure God was number 1. Nothing else is more important, not even my precious baby that I prayed for.

So I had to start over. I had to reconnect. I had to go back to basics. Making God number one no matter what. I had to do whatever was necessary from sleep training my baby to deleting Instagram. I got aggressive. I found the perfect online prayer group. Waking up to pray at 4am in the morning was a choice I made. Bible study? Yes please. WHATEVER IT TOOK.

I wasn’t necessarily asking for anything but to rebuild a relationship I desperately missed. I missed having clear direction. I missed knowing which decisions to take on the little things and the big things. I missed having the peace that comes with being in sync with God. I missed my joy because I started to feel so miserable. SO MUCH I MISSED and I need to take desperate measures to get it back.  Ironically, I started to REALLY enjoy being a mum and a wife. I started to enjoy the gift a lot more when I made the giver of the gift number 1. It gave me perspective and I realised just how blessed I am.

As with every relationship, it is a process. But this is one process I am loving