For Apphiah

 

I find myself thinking about you a lot my beautiful Apphiah. I watch your brother and you just pop up in my mind. Recently, you have been constantly on my mind. You would have been 2 years old today (Thursday) and Joshua would be 8 months old on Saturday. I wonder what type of sister you would have been, I am going to assume that you would have been a great big sister and friend to your baby brother who is now the CHAIRMAN of the house. I wonder how we would have done your hair for your birthday, would we have gotten cake and done a party or just be cool and not make it a big deal. As I think about you, I marvel at God’s grace.

When God says he turns our mourning into dancing, he was not telling a lie. The timing of your brother’s arrival into this world and the fact that instead of mourning on the 3rd of March, I get to celebrate his 8 months the day after is amazing. It doesn’t make me miss you less but it makes me have peace with your absence. Ironically, we often talk about you and how you would have been the perfect playmate for your brother but I got so carried away with the fact that he’ll be 8 months old on March 4th that it didn’t occur to me that March 2nd was your birthday until Uncle Lamo sent us a message that you are always on his mind. Isn’t God amazing, I never would have thought I’ll forget your birthday.

I thank God for sending you to us. I thank God that we got to spend your very short life with you even if it was only for a few hours. I thank you for opening up parts of me I didn’t even know existed but also for helping me to confront the demons that had kept me bound for so long. In losing you, I gained freedom to see God and know God in a way I won’t have otherwise. I feel you so present in our lives, your brother looks just like you and your Mummy Ly confirmed it when she said : “he looks just like Apphiah”. When he is playing with his toys and having a jolly good time alone I feel you watching him and smiling. I wonder what I can tell him about his big sister and how she saved me. Apphiah: The one who shields. My darling daughter. You are forever in our hearts. Thank you. We love you.