I talk a lot about writing letters to God especially when you don’t feel like praying or you just feel disconnected. I wrote the post below on the 11th of April 2015 at a time of a difficult spiritual drought. I wrote it out of desperation. In hindsight I realise I didn’t even directly address this to God which is an indication of how disconnected I felt from him. The truth is that somewhere in me I knew he was reading my words and would respond. We have been through a journey but today I genuinely know he is my best friend and I see my prayers being answered and I am learning more and more to just follow him step by step without rushing or trying to figure out how it ends.
11TH OF APRIL 2015
Today I realised that my prayers seemed futile. I pray but I don’t have any real expectations, it was more like just talking and not caring if God was listening or not. It was a duty, I woke up and prayed and after I could barely remember what I prayed about so frankly I never would have noticed if he answered or not.
I realised today that I was tired of that life, of praying without any depth, without expectation, without confidence that the God I am praying to could hear me or would answer my prayers. I decided to let God know that I want a change, I want to pray and be fully connected to him, I want to know he listens to me and that I want to hear him as well.
I want to know his heart and get answers to my prayers. I want to see his hand at work in my life. I want to see that even if my prayers aren’t answered, he is still present and is doing something else that works with his own plans. I completely want to surrender my prayer life to his control that I know that even as I pray it is the spirit that prays through me and I am praying exactly the will of God.