I was sure that when I saw my son I would instantly fall in love but unfortunately it didn’t happen.

I received the story below from Ayo and it impacted me in a different way. I don’t think it really occurred to me that this could be someone’s reality. Everyone automatically expects a mother to love her child but what if for whatever reason that doesn’t happen to you. Although there have been medical explanations for this (post partum depression for example), I am grateful to God for Ayo’s approach. I am grateful that she talked to God and he showed up. The truth is that this is Ayo’s story but I know it is the same for other people. Please do not blame yourself or feel ashamed if you are experiencing this, this is why we are here. Get help, talk to someone and pray to God. He truly can change things.- Tito.

 

I was dating a man I wasn’t absolutely sure I wanted to marry and the worst thing (in my opinion) happened. I got pregnant. I knew I was pregnant because my period was never EVER late. No stress, diet, sickness ever delayed it. It was always on time. Still in denial, I waited and hoped I wasn’t. I told my sister and she drove me to a pharmacy and we got a pregnancy test. I couldn’t even look. She stayed with me, held my hand and told me the bad news, as she wasn’t sure if it was positive or negative. So we waited some more and it became clear that I was.

The next morning, We (she) told my mum and she was ecstatic. Everyone was happy.  I told the boyfriend and he was thrilled. Everyone seemed so happy, everyone but me. I convinced myself I was happy and pretended to be until my sister asked me what was wrong after she noticed that something was off. Hormones maybe? Nope, the truth was that I was sad because I didn’t want a baby. To be completely honest, I didn’t like babies. Where I’m from a baby is a blessing and at my age it was even a late (ish) blessing. I couldn’t tell anyone just how sad this baby growing inside of me made me. Boyfriend told his family and then we were getting married by default.

Days turned into weeks and my morning sickness made me resent this pregnancy even more!  It was God-awful! I lost 14kg because I couldn’t keep anything down. It got to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore so I asked a (sharp) friend of mine how and where i could get an abortion and she told me. So I made an appointment. On my way driving there, I looked at my phone for a second and BAM!! I had hit a motorcycle/okada. 5seconds later a mob had gathered and I was begging the Okada guy not to die. Thankfully he wasn’t hurt. I was so stunned that I just went back home.

One morning I woke up with the worst pain i have ever felt. Take period pain and multiply by a gazillion. It seemed I was finally getting the miscarriage I had been praying for considering I was too chicken to go through with the abortion. I got to the hospital with my mum and it turned out I had an ovarian cyst. Long story short, I left for London the next day for surgery.

As the doctors briefed me just before the surgery, I was told I was only 11 weeks pregnant and surgery would be very risky for a foetus that small. I was informed that I would also lose my right ovary because it had a growth the size of a GRAPE FRUIT. Again, I was secretly thrilled and considered this to be the easy way out. I came out of surgery alive and well with the Pregnancy AND my ovaries intact. What was this?!? As my sisters cried tears of joy while I cried tears of sadness.

I got back to Nigeria and got married a few weeks later. Months passed and I apparently had the pregnancy glow and none of the horror stories you hear about pregnancy. I travelled again to have my baby with a very heavy heart. Labour came and it was a breeze, natural birth and after 6hours I was done and walking around trying to get a drink.  The Midwives were thrilled and so were my in-laws, siblings and everyone else…everyone but ME.

I was sure that when I saw my son I would instantly fall in love but unfortunately it didn’t happen. The worst part was that I couldn’t tell anyone because the judgement would have been more than I could handle. I only carried him when he needed to be fed. Weeks turned into a month, then two and I still felt nothing for this child of mine.
 

So in a fit of desperation, I prayed. I prayed and asked for God for forgiveness. I was going back to Lagos and I knew I would not have been able to pretend forever. I prayed for God to soften my heart. I said to God “This child did not ask to be born. It was even my pre-marital sex that got him here!” I needed to feel love for my offspring.

One day I went shopping alone. As i got to the mall, I saw a mother and child and I started to cry. I missed my baby! I just wanted to see him and I wanted so see him at that very moment. I dropped everything and went home empty handed. I carried this boy and was overwhelmed by love. I have never felt anything like it. I still haven’t.

God answers prayers. I am hardly the most spiritual person and I often forget to pray but He still answered my short heartfelt prayer. I had to pray for what was supposed to have come naturally and I was even ashamed to ask God.

I have the most amazing young man. He’s funny, smart and very handsome. He gives me the joy I didn’t even know existed. I am truly grateful. God made sure this child was born. He needed to remind me of His love for me.

I only spoke to one person about how I felt. Even my husband doesn’t know till this day 🙂